Comic Relief -- 
for the pathologically philosophical or theological

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

(too late--they just finished)

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

How would I know?--I am always unaware of when they come do this!

How many automaticity/priming researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one and they take under 500 ms to do so! In fact, if they take longer than 200 ms, they begin to get really insecure, worrying about whether they really did it effortlessly or not?!

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

I decided not to use them…I looked their advert up in the phone book, and it said "We can change your bulbs effortlessly (that part was good), uncontrollably (not sure what to make of that!), and without you even being aware of it"--since I VERY MUCH wanted to be 'aware of it', I decided to try some the rival 'Control Freaks R Us' firm, in spite of how they always huff n' puff so loudly on the job (show offs)….

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

They will not tell you when you ask--they said something about 'the less you know about us, the better we work' (sounds like organized crime, if you ask me!)

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

I was afraid to find out! I rode by their office this morning, and their sign said "When we see a burned-out light bulb, we get uncontrollably ballistic!"…I sped by, hoping they didn't even get my car tag number…Would YOU invite somebody like that into YOUR house? I didn't THINK so…

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if he or she makes an implementation intention; three otherwise…
 

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but I have discovered a fascinating way to speed them up slightly. If I can convince them that the bulb is somehow 'bad', their arm shoots up to push it away, and then (500ms later) they realize their hand is almost on the bulb and they continue the motions… then, after they have unscrewed the bulb, I tell them "I have changed my mind--the broken bulb is actually GOOD", and they instinctively pull the bulb toward them faster! Amazing, I almost have these folks trained right… see, I didn’t forget ALL of my training under Pavlov…

How many priming researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes them ALMOST FOREVER to do it…the last one wasted THREE DAYS flashing pictures of corkscrews, merry-go-rounds in reverse motion, balls rolling uphill, etc--trying to prime the bulb to automatically unscrew itself! I have tried three firms so far, and they all try this procedure for a couple of days…and when I finally express my impatience, they grumble/mumble something about 'individual differences' and physically remove the bulb.

How many priming researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many automaticity/priming researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, and I have noticed they work faster if a weapon is visible in my hand…I must be accidentally subliminally priming some kind of achievement goal...(smile)

How many automaticity/stereotyping researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

One only, but I have learned to hide my pictures of Grandma before they come--otherwise, the task seems to take TWICE as long…?

How many automaticity researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one normal one, but if you get those who quote somebody named "Dennett", they MIGHT get frozen-stuck in some kind of 'stance' (they call it)…The last one was stationary for about 20 minutes in my living room before I asked her if she intended to finish changing the bulb, but she only said something like "NO, but I am in an intentional stance about it…"…I had to call my neighbors over to help pick her up and put her out on the front yard…
 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
I wish I knew--they come in here and always end up implanting false bulbs, instead of real ones! 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure...when the show up for the job, they offer me money to let them see if they can implant in me a false memory of the bulb ALREADY HAVING BEEN CHANGED (they call it 'laboratory research'). I need the cash, so I'm on my 25th set of researchers...as long as I don't need to use the room the burned-out bulb is in, it's fine...but hey, business is business, eh? (smile) 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Haven't gotten that far in the process yet--when they show up, they start asking questions about the situation, and after a while (they mutter something like 'retention interval' while I am trying to remember) I am not sure if the bulb is REALLY burned out, what room and house it was in, when it allegedly burned out...When I finally mutter something along the lines of "These are not the droids we're looking for", they smile profusely and leave...and leave me confused again, until I try to find the broom in the closet--then reality sets back in again. 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know...I called one recently to come over, but the receptionist said he had apparently gotten lost in a shopping mall. She didn't know how long ago it was, and actually wasn't sure what his name was any more, but she could describe his feelings quite vividly...Maybe I'll run into them when I go buy the bulb MYSELF at the mall tomorrow! 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't want to find out--I have never met one, but I JUST KNOW they all have criminal records (or soon will have)! 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, I thought I knew that the answer to this question was 1, but then I realized that my answer was based on my memories of the last 20 bulb-changing experiences. And that means that I could be making source attribution errors and that I am ALL WRONG...so I no longer know...(Oops, I have also assumed that bulbs CAN BE CHANGED on the basis of the same memories--!!!--maybe I am stuck in the dark for good now..."OOO NOOO, Sluggo") 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
They told me that they actually couldn't do it, but they offered to help me by building associative links between "brightness" and the room in question. That way, as long as I wasn't actually IN THE ROOM during darkness, that my memory would 'average out' the memories and that I would feel confident (most of the time) that the bulb wasn't burned out at all...They also gave me a little penlight to use when reality intruded again...sigh 

How many false-memory researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't remember--I had some of them do it several years ago (I vaguely remember), but the experience obviously wasn't emotionally exciting enough for me to remember... 
 

How many Daniel Dennett's does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how many versions of the light bulb there are, matched up with the number of versions of Dennett... 

How many David Chalmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whoa! Now THAT's a hard problem! 

How many David Chalmers does it take to change a light bulb (version 2)?
I am not sure we can even APPROACH the light bulb with the existing tools...we will need to develop different sorts of human limbs for that probably... 

How many Roger Penrose's does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime... 

How many zombies does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but I am sure it does it differently than we do. 

How many Strong Cartesian Dualists does it take to change a light bulb?
I am not sure they actually can. I had 12 of them in here yesterday trying it, but even with all dozen of them standing on each other's shoulders, they STILL couldn't reach the light bulb! 

How many epiphenomenalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one--and all he or she has to do is to rearrange the furniture on the floor. 

How many eliminative materialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, I am afraid to ask them. The whole lot of them went outside last week, started a parade in which they were carrying signs like "I've lost my mind and I am PROUD of it" and "I've never had a mind ever" and "I am completely mind-less; just ask my colleagues"...would YOU feel safe approaching such a group?...I didn't think so. 

How many neuroscientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only the dumb ones could do it--the others could not pass the BBB (Brain-Bulb-Barrier) 
 
 
 

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one mature one, of the highest level...actually, at that level they ARE 'light bulbs'! ("Illuminators" I heard them call one another) 

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, I asked one and he said they had a sacred text in which the risen Jesus told Thomas (when they were alone, obviously) that it took 2, working at overtime rates. When I commented that that sounded a little too 'convenient' to have been the topic of such a lofty, 1st-century conversation, he said it was true (but I heard him mutter something like "business is business" under his breath). 

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?
I am afraid to find out. I called their office ("Gnostic Luminator Organization of Workers"--GLOW) and they said the job would only take one of their 5 year olds. But they cautioned me NOT to 'irritate' said child, or the consequences could be deadly...(plus, they mentioned that if the kid did any carpentry work while there, that they charged by the board foot, and that if my livestock somehow increased suddenly, they charged fair market value for the goats.) 

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?
They said it would only take one, but claimed that during the same time they were changing the bulb, they would also clean the house, cook supper, mow the lawn, housebreak the puppy, finish out the new garage addition, and speed up my internet connection...When I was shocked at the claim, and ask "really?!", they said something cryptic: "Well, the genre lets us make such advertising claims."...I wonder if he meant 'General'? 

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?
They said only one, but for me not to be shocked if the repair Gnostic metamorphosed into an animal during the process (he said that in the middle ages they often changed into Swallows...I asked "European or African?"...he said "what difference does it make?"...and I proceeded with a discussion of the relationship between 100watt bulb size, wingspan, and air speed velocity...but I won't bore you with that...)

 

How many first-century charismatic wonder-working Jewish holy-men does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they won't touch the job unless it was caused by problems with the weather. 

How many Hellenistic miracle workers does it take to change a light bulb?
I haven't a clue! I have been looking to find one now for 600 years, but all their phones have been disconnected... 

How many Hellenistic miracle workers (of the Pythagorean persuasion) does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, I am told, but I am STILL waiting from him to get back to work from 'taking a nap'--it's already been 5 years...how much longer?! (sigh)... 

How many Hellenistic miracle workers does it take to change a light bulb?
It seems to keep changing: five years ago, it took 8; last year it took 5...and I am told that in three years it might only take 2... 

How many Pythagorean wonder-workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to have the exactly correct background music playing. 

How many Asclepians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to administer the sedative to you, one to carry the snake (to lick the bulb), and one to change it while you're not looking... 

How many Divine Greco-Roman emperors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, and they can do it miraculously well--but only during campaign season... 

How many Apolloniuses (sp?) does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, supposedly, but every time he shows up, I somehow ask him a question he doesn't like and 'poof'--he disappears! 

How many Apolloniuses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but for some reason, he always dresses up like a Galilean...and tries to speak Hebrew...? 

How many Pythagorases does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, and I don't want to find out. I had one come in once, and he keep trying to pull his pants down and show me his 'really interesting thigh' or something--pervert! 

How many 'official court handymen' does it take to change a light bulb?
I asked the court poet that, but the answer I got back was unconvincing: 

           "Our Emperor's handyman can do ten-thousand at once;
           "And still have time to join Apollo for lunch" 

How many Greco-Roman gods does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they dropped that 'service' a very, very, very long time ago... 
 

How many Danielic late-daters does it take to change a light bulb?
They absolutely refuse to do it. They realized that no matter how good a job they did, someone, somewhere, sometime later would assert that they didn't do it at all (in spite of all their hard work)--and that the story of them changing the light bulb was a later literary fiction, made to look like ancient history. They realized that no matter what kind of bulb they used (e.g., fluorescent, incandescent, energy-saving, UV, sunlamp) someone would argue that there was no evidence that that kind of bulb was used in that apartment complex at that time...and that therefore the story must be historically false...So, they refused to do it and walked out...man, am I glad the apartment builders weren't that smart!-- I'd be sleeping in the rain... 

How many Danielic late-daters does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure we will ever know. They are hesitating about taking the job. They expressed worry that someone might later take their description of the work they performed, and make it look like a prophecy that they were going to do it (and the invoice would look like they pre-charged for the services, which is illegal in our locale...a sort of invoicium pre eventu). 

How many Danielic late-daters does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't get them to take my request seriously. I called them up last week (after trying unsuccessfully for years to get the people described below to do it!) They asked me how long it had been in need of repair, and I told them six years (since I started the ThinkTank), and they said 'impossible'. They said that the only evidence they had that it was burned out was from my phone call (then in progress), so that today's date was the only one they could use in determining when the bulb was actually burned out. And, since it had apparently only been burned out for a few minutes (according to their 'logic'), they would have to prioritize their repairs on the basis of more urgent outages at other residences. I honestly TRIED to explain about how it apparently burned out when the resident was on vacation, and that they didn't discover it for months later (the light is in the corner of the attic), and that they didn't even report it for months later (when they finally needed the light), and that I had called (unsuccessfully) many other people before them, and that their firm's name only appeared in the last edition of the phone book, etc...but they refused to allow any of this to make them re-date their 'it only burned out today' estimate...But at least I'm in their datebook now, so maybe, in a couple of years... 

How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
Unfortunately, I cannot get them to act. I show them the Maintenance Request Form, from the tenant, requesting the change, but they dismiss it as being a 'pious fraud' created by big and powerful lightbulb companies who think bulbs should be replaced BEFORE they burn out... 

How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
I still cannot get them to take the Request Form seriously! This time they decided that it could not be authentic since the request had come from the new apartment 10A and there were no prior incidences of this at all. They concluded that someone must have borrowed the form from some OTHER apartment, and simply put the request "on the lips of the tenant in 10A"... 

How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
I still cannot get them to act! This time they dismissed the darkness as a  'late apocalyptic image' that obviously was being appropriated to describe something much less severe, like indigestion or something. 

How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
I still cannot get them to act! This time they said that there PROBABLY had been some flicker in a bulb somewhere (or maybe a diming of light from a cloud passing overhead), but that the oral tradition behind the Maintenance Request Form had developed so freely that it was now historically impossible to find the actual apartment in which the problem PERHAPS showed up, and that we could not even be sure that it had occurred in THIS landlord's tenure. 

How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?
I still cannot get them to take the Maintenance Request Form seriously! This time they detected a 'contradiction' that was a sure sign of inauthenticity. They summarily dismissed the Form with the remark that "If the light bulb had been burned out, the tenant would not have been able to see to fill out the Form, silly! And arguing that they went into another room would be 'special pleading' or 'harmonization' of the most tendentious nature!"...go figure...
 

How many textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't actually change the bulb, we simply emend it. 

How many textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?
My professional opinion is that we should leave the original bulb as it is. The probability of someone replacing a good bulb with a bad one is much lower than the opposite, and hence the bad bulb most likely reflects the oldest (and therefore better) bulb.. 

How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of meaning through the ages. 

How many Qumran covenantors does it take to change a light bulb?
they won't do it--too Hellenistic for them... 

How many apocalyptic-ists does it take to change a light bulb?
Tons--some have to block the sun, some have to cover the moon with a dust cloud, some have to start a volcanic eruption, some have to generate the thunderstorm...but when it is changed, you will never be the same again!! 

How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?
R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark. 

How many biblical 'minimalists' does it take to change a light bulb?
Grow up, guy--it never WAS a unitary light bulb, it was only a pack of fireflies flying randomly around the room until a fan cut on and they all started flying in synchronization... 

How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile). 

How many translators of the LXX does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends rather radically on whether they were the translators of Daniel or of Jeremiah, don't you think?! 

Added 9/29/97 (from archaeology) 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Generally only one, but some rooms we can't even get into since 1933. 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually they are afraid to do it...they think that if they remove the top layer bulb, that they will disturb the (presumed) earlier bulbs that are screwed in beneath the one that is currently showing... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take years and years of initial site study...we have to first correlate all the surrounding furniture and domestic devices, and then decide whether the anthropological theory about the bulb being a cultic object (based on its central location in the room, it's being up out of reach--symbolizing transcendence, and its obviously sun-like shape) is a correct socio-economic understanding... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to change the bulb, and the rest of them to weep about what Thiering, Allegro, Baigent and Leigh will write about it... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record... 

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity of the archaeological record, eh?)

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, actually, it only takes a couple to remove the old bulb, but then they get so involved in studying the old bulb (especially in trying to correlate its appearance with all other burned-out bulbs within a 1000 km radius), that they never get around to putting the new bulb in...
 

Added 1/21/97 

How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?
I really don't think they can do it anymore; but then again, maybe I am too cynical. 

How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they couldn't find the bulb and gave up, muttering something about it must have been eaten by wild dogs or something like that... 

How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, at first we thought maybe they could do it, but when they looked at the bulb they decided somehow that it really wasn't the bulb in question and put it down, and for quite some time now, they have been in the kitchen trying to 'unscrew' an onion--and there's not much of it left either...(hmmm...I just noticed something...when you look at an onion from the side, with its stem still attached, it looks like a letter from the alphabet...odd) 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Physics/Cosmology

How many 'emergent properties' advocates does it take to change a light bulb?
I decided not to use them, after interviewing them. I asked them if they could do it, and they said 'no problem--easy to do'. I asked them HOW they planned to do it, and they said they would simply start the house on fire, then wait for the heat to raise the temperature of the light bulb until it reached a far-from-equilibrium state, and that then 'new bulb properties' would emerge (but that we would have to keep an intense fire burning in the room forever--to sustain the emergent property). So, I have them a false address and left... 

How many fractal mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but, good grief! I let him into the house to start working on the bulb, and by the time I got back later that day, the single 110V bulb had changed into a 6 level chandelier, with each level a smaller replica of the previous level...my energy bills are going to kill me! 

How many self-organizing theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
They say only one or two, but they refuse to do it unless I can get the media somehow excited about it... 

How many people from the Santa Fe Institute does it take to change a light bulb?
Probably only a couple, but they can't seem to get a repair team organized. 

.......................................................................................................
(towards the interest of fairness and 'equal time'...smile):
How many Intelligent Designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Looks like I'll never know--I asked some to do this simple task, and they started talking about how this 'simple task' was actually composed of many, many sub-tasks, each of which ITSELF was composed of many, many sub-sub-tasks, each of THESE of which was ITSELF composed of many, many sub-sub-sub-tasks, each of THESE...I think they are up to 10^5 "subs" now...a living fractal, how kewl...(wish I could see them better in this darkness, though). 

How many Intelligent Designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Good question, they don't know yet...every time I ask them about changing the bulb, they keep telling me that they'll have a process and programme worked out "real soon"...["Where are we going?"..."Planet Ten!"..."When are we going?"..."Real Soon!!"...] 

...............................................................................................

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
He won't do it--He cannot see enough similarities between himself and the bulb.

(or a more 'abusive' version...smile)
How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, and he does it INSTANTLY, recognizing his close genetic similarity with an object that no longer sheds any light...(ouch, see, I told you it was semi-abusive) 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and he said he would be here a year ago, but he hasn't shown. He went off to climb some mountain somewhere, and apparently it's taking him a lot longer than he originally thought... 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
I doubt we'll never know. Seems he was hospitalized with multiple injuries in a mountaineering accident recently. Was climbing some mountain somewhere, when a nearby bird sneezed, the minute sound vibrations of which moved a tiny piece of grass one-half millimeter, which shifted a micro-breeze a tiny fraction, which blew a cubic centimeter of dirt out from under a rock, accidentally setting off a catastrophic avalanche. Freakish accident, really--the chances of that happening were 1 in 10^18th or something like that...But I guess it was inevitable....I guess we really shouldn't be surprised by it, after all... 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
According to his computer simulation, it only takes twelve of his cells--but he said I would have to be really, really patient. 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
He won't commit to even doing it until he interviews everybody in the building. He muttered something about seeing how 'like himself' they were, before he would help them... 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
Probably only one, but he is so distracted trying to figure out if the chances of his genes (or those of his relatives) are  likely to propagate more in the dark, or in the light, that I cannot get him to act...Theorists!!! 

How many Richard Dawkinses does it take to change a light bulb?
Can't say--he refuses to do it. Says that since other gene-bearing agents before him have not changed it SO FAR, then apparently it would not be good to change it at all...genes don't lie, you know...

How many Natural Selectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well actually, we won't even TRY to change the bulb. We will simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with FUNCTIONING bulbs. That way, over time, .... 

How many punctuated equilibrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Actually, they say it cannot be done-at least not for large light bulbs. But, on the other hand, very very small bulbs-like those in miniature Christmas trees-CAN be changed, but ONLY if they are placed in some very isolated spot (like a shoe box under the bed). The good news is that, if the conditions are right, these little bulbs change VERY RAPIDLY! (The bad news is they may not be bulbs when they're done.) 

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly 

How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all. 

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb? (version two)
Depends on the room size--you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the 'old' bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly 'congealed' bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY required one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room 

How many particles does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm...well, if we know the position of the burned-out light bulb, then we cannot answer this question with certainty. 

How many particles does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but IF the particle is a large one, then I has to do it VERY quickly. If a smaller particle, then it can take its time. 

How many particles (okay, okay--how many 'amplitudes') does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, if it is supervised very carefully by a macro-entity. 

How many fermions does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, no more than one is allowed--unless the light bulb is exactly on a state line somewhere, so that the fermions could stand on different sides of the line. 

How many bosons does it take to change a light bulb?
Probably only one or two, but bosons are so gregarious, we've never seen less than a gaggle try it! 

How many particles does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how "excited" they are about the job. 

How many particles does it take to change a light bulb?
On some days, none (e.g. fortuitous quantum fluctuation days)... 

How many electrons does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be absurd--you have the question backwards--it's "how many light bulbs does it take to change an electron" silly! 

How many particles does it take to change a light bulb?
What a futile question! Don't you realize that any energy exchanged between the change-er and the change--ee is probably going to be in the form of photons anyway?! With all that light, why even hassle with changing the bulb?! (Good grief, what DO they teach these folk in school nowadays?) 

How many Classic Foundationalists (epistemology) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends on whether the bulb is incorrigible or not... 
 

How many chaos theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just get the butterfly to flap its wings a SECOND time. 

How many cultural constructivists does it take to change a light bulb?
[Actually, they refused to answer, on the grounds that the joke perpetuated the myth of objectivity (mumbled something about an 'objective bulb'). Then told me to go read Durkheim in the dark. Go figure.] 

MEANT.
How many Derrida'ists THOUGHT YOU does
D
E
P
E
N
DS
it take on WhAt YoU
to change a light bulb? 

How many Inerrantists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, the bulb is not really broken. If we could see it through 1st century eyes and worldview, we would see that the bulb is PERFECTLY FINE. 

How many Errantists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly. It is impossible to have a bulb that is free from flaws-they ALL are burned out--if you look closely enough, with an open mind, and WITHOUT your dogma. You can't 'fix' this problem. 

(Contributed by Prof. John Bigelow of Monash U.)
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'. 

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light. 

How many Godelians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but don't ask me to prove it. 

How many Classic Idealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one--he prays, God turns his head to pay attention, the light bulb moves! 

How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-it's a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!) 

How many Reformed epistemologists does it take to change a light bulb?
1.37--and that needs no explanation because it is a properly basic belief. 

How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist... 

How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa. 

How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution! 

How many Kantians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two to change the phenomenal bulb; and one to explain that we might not have actually changed the bulb-an-sich at all. 
 

How many Nietzschians does it take to change a light bulb?
.00001

How many Heraclitians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--it's never the same light bulb again anyway

How many Process philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one really fast one--to stand in front of the bulb and block it from prehending the attribute of 'brokenness' in the next 1/32nd of a second! 

How many Humean's does it take to change a light bulb?
None--since the bulb actually contains a gaseous substance, and thus contains no 'abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number' nor any 'experimental reasoning concerning matters of fact and existence' it will simply be removed and thrown in the fire... 

How many speech act theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Do you really want to know or are you simply asking me to change it? 

How many philosophers of language does it take to change a light bulb?
None--we can't see the referent through the opacity of the phrase 'light bulb'.

How many phenomenologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only a couple, but by the time they get through with it, the 100-watt bulb has been reduced to a night light. 

How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark... 

How many modal logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
In WHICH world? 

How many fatalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, why fight it? 

How many Anselmists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one is NECESSARY. 

How many Aristotelians does it take to change a light bulb?
Exactly four (it's a causality thing) 

How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all 

How many solipcists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually there are none left in existence...they simply "solipcided away" 

How many fallibilists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but I COULD be wrong about that. 

How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness! 

How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow for us... 

How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence. 

How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking in terms of 'incremental change'--what we really need is paradigm shift...we don't need a bulb with more attributes added on, we need ubiquitous luminescence. 

How many decision theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
PROBABLY two.